My sheets look like a crime scene.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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