atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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