I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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