Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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