I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
