if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
