Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I need to sanitize my soul.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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