I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
