if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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