Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
