so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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