All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
FUCK WHALES
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