The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
