Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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