I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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