sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
