Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
