This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
