I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
