Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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