I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
