it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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