How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
