relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
