I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
