It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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