He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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