you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
