Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
