i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
