Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize