please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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