Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
