Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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