Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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