This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
