yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
