You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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