Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
These tits shall not be calmed
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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