You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
