On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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