She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I want her autograph on my taint
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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