If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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