Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
