ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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