I'm gonna have a badass scar
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
