I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
