Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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