omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
