I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
