My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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