k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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