So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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