Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
