he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
