I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
