haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
