non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize