I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
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