Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
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